Ok, so I wrote this post 2 weeks ago & then had 2nd thoughts and removed it because I don't typically feel comfortable opening myself up publicly, but I've decided it's important for me to document these days for the kids. Here it is, yet again:
October 2, 2009: I said I wouldn't be posting, but now that it's one year after Robb's diagnosis I feel like so much has happened that maybe an update was warranted. And if no one is reading this blog anymore, that's fine, it'll be a good way to document events for the kids (I worry a lot about not remembering these days and when the kids are older being unable to recall how we got through things).
So, it's one year later. Lots of anniversaries have occurred in the past month. We went to Napa again in August with the Ericksens which was our last family vacation & where Robb's symptoms first appeared. While the vacation was fun, it wasn't as relaxing as I'd hoped. And then returning to NYC, I had some of my tougher weeks emotionally - lots of recollection of how things were so normal a year ago and even after hearing what he might have, remembering his determination to fight it for 5-7 years and his hope that by then they'd have a better cure.
As I've learned, grief ebbs and flows. That's reassuring in the tough times, and lurking in the back of my mind during the better days. Nonetheless, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't hope or expect to see Robb walking through the door.
That said, we are all doing ok. Laurel is back at school. Being back at City & Country is such a good consistent thing for her, and the teachers are so supportive of her and her emotions. Beck is not in school but continues to enjoy his time with our nanny of 1 year, Jackie. I couldn't ask for better kids - they've somehow turned out to be the stereotypical girl and boy. She's really into princesses and pink while he's into balls, cars and trucks.
Laurel has her moments of sadness, particularly when she's tired, but we talk of Robb and butterflies all the time and she seems to have real memories of him that I hope will sustain through the years. Beck calls lots of guys Da-da, but I think he uses it as a general term and recognizes Robb in pictures as the real deal. After our wedding anniversary in September, we all watched our wedding video together and Beck's eagerness in shouting Da-da seems to confirm this.
Some of the tougher times often happen when I'm putting the kids to bed or something and wish, for once, I could call on Robb for support. But I always come back to the realization of how lucky I am, despite the horrible loss we've suffered, because so many others who are in worse spots. I was lucky, I was married to my best friend and knew that on February 13th of this year that we were more in love than on the day we married. And in addition, we don't have the financial worries that so many other families have that have lost a parent (if you're looking for another very worthwhile charity to support, see this website: http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/about/). I was already employed by an understanding firm and didn't have to worry about going back to work after years of being at home. In addition, I have a wealth of support from friends and family.
So how do we spend our days? The weeks have flown by. But on the weekends, like this one which was rainy, we spent a lot of the day playing together. We built a train, watched a little Blue's Clues and Backyardigans, and went to our roof deck. Laurel and I also played some games: Checkers, Memory, and Princess Charming. Beck loves music so I try to play my music when we're just playing around because he gets this cute little move all through his body, regardless of what he was doing. We are also trying to take more advantage of the museums and such in the city - we had a great visit the the Museum of Nautral History last weekend and will go to MoMa tomorrow.
My cousin, Marissa, and I rode in the Pelotonia bike race in August. It wasn't the easiest 50-mile bike ride, but we got through it with each other and remembering that whatever we were going through was nothing compared to what cancer patients go through each & every day. We think we might try again next year, and will recruit a team to ride along with us. It's not too late to give, deadline is October 31: http://tinyurl.com/pelotoniamilacci.
We celebrated Beck's 2nd birthday just a few weeks ago with family and a small group of friends. I attended Robb's & my 5-year NYU Stern business school reunion on Thursday night. All of these milestones are tough to recognize without Robb, but at the same time it's important, and as I know he'd want it to be, that the kids and I continue to live and find happiness as best we can.
In 2 weeks, we will walk for the American Brain Tumor Association. Bob & Annette, Robb's dad & stepmom, along with many friends from CMU and NYU will join Laurel, Beck and me as we walk a 5k in Robb's memory. We have made shirts to wear that day, and it's not too late to give to another great cause (http://www.active.com/donate/HaveAChance/teamrobb)!!
